For the Dudebro Who Has Everything

Last week, I witnessed something terrible. Something I had only heard about, had assumed to be some type of urban legend. . . I saw it myself. Yes, I saw Truck Nutz. I know what you’re thinking, “What color?”. . . “What size?”. . . “What the fuck?” Good questions!

Truck Nutz, for the blissfully unaware, are fake (rubber?) testicles that one puts somewhere near the hitch area on the back of one’s truck. The, uh, set that I saw was what the website calls “flesh” color, which is a whole other, uh, set of dudebro problems. I assume that when someone decides to purchase Truck Nutz, they must really love testicles. They must love them so much that they want to look at them whenever they pass by their car. Surely, the proud Truck Nutz owner says to himself, “Damn, those are some good nuts,” whenever he catches a glimpse of all that hot chrome surrounding the Nutz in all their hanging glory. Not only this, but this guy would also like to show you his nuts… I mean his car’s nuts… I mean his truck’s nuts… nutz. Because that’s just how he hangs… I mean rolls… gah! If you do outfit you truck with Nutz, though, be aware that you aren’t going to be able to refute anyone’s claim that your huge truck is compensating for something. I mean, you’re the one putting human-like testicles on your car.

If the testicle-loving consumer has still not had his fill of testicle…-related products, well, now not only can his car have some nuts, but his pet can too! Doncha just hate how depressed both you and your neutered dog or cat (or prairie dog or buffalo) become after he has “the operation”? Luckily, someone (who is likely an MRA type of guy) has come in to fill this niche…fixed the issue… solved the problem. Presenting, Neuticles. High-grade silicone testicular implants for your dog who had them savagely ripped out by a veterinarian in order to control pet population and make your dog a bit more chill.

My favorite part of the website is the “interesting facts” part, particularly this tid bit.

Over Two Centuries Old…
in 1802. As a result, it has become our ‘culture’ to accept emasculation as being the norm.

First, LOL not making sense. Second, “culture”. Third, since when is “emasculation” any kind of norm? Lastly, what the hell happened in 1802?

I’m so tempted to email the creator of these things and say how my female cat just hasn’t been the same since she got spayed, and then inquire about whether the Neuticles folks are considering manufacturing fake ovaries in the future.

Also, you will be happy to know that I just invented Sedan Ovariez. They only cost $10 (cheaper than Truck Nutz!) and here’s how to order. Send me $10. Instantly (using magic), your Sedan Ovariez are delivered and placed neatly out of sight somewhere inside your car. “But how will I know they’re there?” you’re asking. See, that’s the great thing about Sedan Ovariez: they aren’t all showy and out there. Although, don’t be too open about having Sedan Ovariez as the government may find it necessary to heavily restrict what your car is able to do and where it goes.

And here’s where I end my post because I just started some extended metaphor that is becoming weirder and weirder the more I stretch it.

Related:

For a point-by-point take down of the Neuticle website’s claims, please see this rather funny blog post.